


To Forget

by motherofmercury



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Confession, Drinking, Fear, Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Shame, Substance Abuse, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 15:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16789273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherofmercury/pseuds/motherofmercury
Summary: As far as Teddy was concerned, there were only two reasons to get completely drunk.1. Getting drunk in celebration.2. Getting drunk to drown your sorrows (i.e. to forget).And Teddy was definitely not drinking in celebration.  He was drinking to forget James Sirius Potter; but it wasn't working.





	To Forget

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time delving into the world of James Sirius and Teddy Lupin and it sort of got quite dark at some point and I'm not entirely sure how this lil thing went in that direction; whoops? But I do know that I will probably be delving into this pairing again with something lighter and fluffier at some point in the future. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this odd pairing! xx

The bar was dim and the air was full of the stale smell of sweat and old beer. Teddy swirled the whiskey in his glass, staring into its amber depths contemplatively. Privately, Teddy thought there were far too many people frequenting such a gloomy bar as this one. 

He inhaled sharply and then downed the last of his whiskey; second-hand smoke scratching in the back of his throat as the whiskey burned its way down his insides. He raised a hand to get the bartender’s attention and gestured to his glass for another. 

Teddy was sitting in this bar somewhere in Yorkshire, drinking to forget. As far as he was concerned there were two reasons to get completely sloshed:

1\. Getting drunk in celebration

2\. Getting drunk to drown your sorrows (i.e. to forget)

And Teddy was definitely not drinking in celebration.

He took a sip of his freshly-filled glass and glanced around the dreary bar absentmindedly. The thumping music was creating a dull pounding in the back of his head and behind his eyes – but then again that may have been the liquor – and the swirling fluorescent lights that couldn’t seem to decide between green and purple were making him slightly nauseous. 

What Teddy was drinking to forget was the yearning he felt every time he looked at his god brother. Technically they weren’t related in any real way, but Teddy had always been as much a part of the Potter family as James or Albus or Lily. He shouldn’t regard James as anything other than his brother. But that stupid kid was so much more.

Teddy took another sip of his whiskey and squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose with his left hand. He quickly opened his eyes again because the image seared into his retinas of the pain on James’ face when Teddy had left was too painful. He couldn’t forget the pain twisting in his gut, the blame and the guilt making his feel sick when his Jamie looked at him like that. All because Teddy couldn’t possibly say yes. 

Five years, seven months, and twenty-seven days.

The span of time that separates Teddy from James. A seemingly unbridgeable chasm between the two. 

James was just a kid. Well, he was nineteen now, and _Merlin_ did Teddy know that he was no longer a boy, but there was something undeniably but so deliciously _wrong_ about wanting Jamie. A boy (who was no longer a boy) separated from Teddy by five years, seven months, and twenty-seven days. Just the thought of Jamie’s flashing eyes and his easy smirk sent tingles down Teddy’s spine, but he wouldn’t dare let that boy kiss him again. The first time was a mistake. A wonderful, delicious, illicit mistake. And so was the second time. And the third. Merlin, when Teddy looked into Jamie’s eyes all semblance of self-control utterly melted; there simply wasn’t anything Teddy wouldn’t do for that boy.

That was why Teddy was drinking. He had to forget those eyes, forget the power James could wield with them. Surely it was unnatural for one person to hold such sway over another? The only comfort Teddy found in the knowledge of the power of James’ eyes was that he knew, he _knew,_ that when Teddy let his own eyes linger into their natural caramel – the same as his father’s as Harry had once told him – that he too could wield that same power over James.

Teddy angrily downed his whiskey again, and again gestured for another. He was well on the way to being properly drunk, so why couldn’t he get that stupid image of Jamie’s stupid wounded eyes out of his stupid head? Why had Jamie’s pain hurt Teddy so much?

Oh, Merlin, what would Harry say about this? Surely Teddy would no longer be welcome as one of the family. He took another sip. And another. And still he couldn’t forget.

“Why is this my philosophy when it doesn’t even bloody well work?” Teddy muttered under his breath. 

“Teddy?” Came a tentative voice behind him, followed by a warm hand on his shoulder.

Teddy froze. He couldn’t possibly turn around. It couldn’t be- He didn’t dare hope. Ever so slowly he allowed himself to turn around, the warm, comforting hand dropping from his shoulder as he did. He mourned its loss. He blinked blearily at the boy in front of him for a moment, nay, the _man_. Oh, _gods_ how was he so beautiful? Even in the sickly purple and green light he was still perfection. Perfection and more of a man than Teddy would ever be.

“Jamie?” Teddy hardly spoke above a whisper and hated himself for the way his voice broke on the name.

James was standing there, soaked to the bone, looking unsure and perhaps a little afraid. “Teddy.” He whispered back, eyes taking in the dark circles under his eyes; the dull grey dampening his usually vibrant turquoise hair; the sorry state of his mismatched clothes; the impressive line of glasses on the bar behind Teddy. “Oh, Teddy, what are you doing?” He asked, brown eyes full of sorrow and pain.

“Drinking to forget.” Teddy slurred only slightly.

“And is it working?”

“No,” he wasn’t entirely sure that this perfectly sculpted being in front of him wasn’t just a hallucination, some sick fantasy of his drunken state. “You’re here.”

“I’m here, and you’re coming with me,” James leaned forwards and slapped some muggle money onto the bar to pay for Teddy’s whiskey and then he reached out a hand to pull Teddy to his feet.

Teddy flinched away slightly and then immediately regretted it as the hurt flooded James’ eyes again. He allowed James to haul him upright, stumbling only slightly under his weight. “Where are we going?” It wasn’t as coherent as Teddy would have liked, but then he did just drink an awful lot more whiskey than he normally would.

“I’m taking you home. You can’t keep going around doing this Teddy, you’re going to hurt somebody.”

The pain in his voice was evident and Teddy winced. He already blamed himself for causing Jamie so much pain, but it hurt so much more to know that Jamie blamed him too. He almost wasn’t surprised to feel the wetness of tears on his cheeks, but thankfully they dissolved into the driving rain as the two men stepped outside.

Jamie knew Teddy better than anyone else in the world; he could tell exactly what Teddy was thinking or feeling with just one glance, no matter whose face Teddy was wearing, or what colour his hair was. As they staggered down the street in the rain, splashing through unseen puddles in the darkness, Teddy’s hot tears mingled with the freezing rain on the soft skin of his face. Jamie couldn’t see Teddy’s face in the darkness, but despite that the younger man knew Teddy was crying, because he was too. 

He would do anything in the world for the man who was making him stumble through a dismally wet night in Yorkshire if only it would ease the ache in his chest. He knew Teddy hadn’t meant to hurt him. Teddy didn’t even know how much he meant to James because James had never told him. Not that he should have needed to. Teddy had always thought he could read Jamie just as easily as Jamie could read him, but maybe he’d been wrong. 

James had confessed his love for Teddy after their first illicit kiss, but Teddy had pushed him away with excuses about Harry and how James was practically Teddy’s brother and how so completely _wrong_ it was, but James couldn’t care less. All James cared about was just how _right_ it felt to have Teddy’s lips on his own, to have their bodies pressed together like they were melded into one. The other kisses had also been initiated by James, and each time Teddy had said they couldn’t, each time Teddy broke James’ heart just a little bit more, but James couldn’t stop loving Teddy. It was like an addiction. A debilitating, life-shattering addiction that he could not shake. He yearned for just one more taste of Teddy’s lips; he craved it with every fibre of his being despite knowing that Teddy would never give it to him willingly. It’s not right, Teddy would say.

James knew it was a little bit unsafe to apparate with a drunk, but there was no way they were getting back to London on foot and all the floo connections were closed for the night, so he took a deep breath, tightened his grip on Teddy and spun on the spot.

Teddy staggered out of James’ arms and fell to his knees, retching as they apparated into Teddy’s flat. James knelt down beside him and rubbed his back, immensely glad that Teddy was managing to prevent anything from coming back up, despite the horrible churning in his stomach caused by apparating. 

Teddy dragged himself off the floor and into the next room where he flung himself onto his bed, rolling over to regard James with slitted, bloodshot eyes. “Why are you here, Jamie?” he asked wearily.

“When you’re in pain you’re self-destructive,” he said softly, sadly, “I couldn’t let you hurt yourself.”

Teddy let his eyes close fully and let out a sigh. He mumbled incoherently for a moment before saying, “sometimes I wish you’d let me kill myself with my self-destructive tendencies.”

“Oh, Teddy,” James sat down on the bed beside him, making it bounce a little. “How could you say that?”

Without opening his eyes, Teddy knew James was crying. He could hear it in his voice, and Merlin knew it was something he was used to hearing by now. He really had a way of fucking things up with Jamie. “Don’t tell me you haven’t wished it too.”

James was silent for a moment and Teddy ran all the times they’d both been self-destructive through his head. 

“I’ve never wished I was dead.” James finally said, tentatively putting a hand on Teddy’s leg next to him on the bed.

“But you’ve wished I was dead,” Teddy snorted, eyes still closed, an arm now slung across them. 

“But I always regret it in the morning,” he whispered, “like you always regret me.”

Teddy moved his arm up and peered at James in the dim light of his room. He could feel the prickling at the back of his eyes again; a sensation he was becoming increasingly used to. He had to get rid of Jamie, and fast. But he couldn’t. Staring into those kicked puppy eyes, he couldn’t.

Teddy closed his eyes again and covered them with his hands, “I never regret you,” he said into his hands, “I regret the pain I cause you every time.”

James slid closer to him on the bed, lying down beside him and wrapping him up in his arms. Teddy curled into James’ chest, unable to stop the sobs from violently wracking his body. James just held him and whispered comfort until Teddy couldn’t cry any more. 

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” Teddy mumbled into James’ chest, “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shh, I know, I forgive you. I forgave you for anything you could ever do a long time ago.”

Teddy sniffed and looked up at James’ earnest face. “I don’t deserve you. You’re perfection, and I’m just… a mess,” he broke off into a half sob, half laugh. “You deserve better than me.”

“But I don’t want better, Teddy, I couldn’t find anyone better than you.”

“Jamie… I just hurt you again and again and again- you don’t deserve that.”

“You don’t deserve to hate yourself and hurt yourself any more than I deserve to be hurt.”

“But maybe I do.”

“No.” James squeezed his arms tighter around Teddy and pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head. “Just stop, Teddy. Stop running away because you’re afraid. You have to face this- let me face it with you, you don’t have to do everything alone, you know.”

If it were possible, Teddy burrowed his head further into the safety of James’ arms, doing precisely the opposite of what James had said. “I’m not a Gryffindor like you.”

“No, you’re the sweetest, kindest Hufflepuff I know, but sometimes you just have to grow a pair, Teddy.”

Teddy pulled away from James so he could look into his eyes. The depths of their brown were so earnest and pleading, and just so plain needy that Teddy couldn’t say no. He had no self-control in the face of those eyes. None. 

“Together?” he asked tentatively, too afraid to hope.

“Together,” James confirmed. He pulled Teddy towards him once more and gently kissed Teddy’s soft lips, tasting the salt of his tears and the lingering flavour of Yorkshire whiskey.


End file.
